Monday, December 31, 2012

13 Predictions for 2013

Thirteen things that will happen in no particular order during the calendar year, 2013.

1. The Higgs Boson finding by CERN will be announced to be false. The physics community will go into complete and utter turmoil, splitting into two unrelenting enemies: Gravitists and Energists. Science will never be the same.

2. The Denver Broncos will beat the Seattle Seahawks to win Super Bowl XLVII.  A record number of arrests will be made for marijuana possession charges in New Orleans during Superbowl weekend.  Nike will start a textile revolution by making uniforms from hemp.

3. An Alien Earth will be found millions of light years away. It will be affectionately named Earth II.  In a related story, an all diamond planet will be found rotating around a supernova.  That planet will be named Kolob by Neil deGrasse Tyson.

4. President Barack H. Obama will be exposed as a reptilian overlord bent on world domination, thus exposing his blood connection to the New World Order and more specifically, the Bush family. Confirming the widely speculated theory that Obama is the  lovechild of an anonymous Kenyan woman and George H.W. Bush (who impregnated said woman during his trip to Kenya in 1960 while speculating for oil with his newly formed company, Permargo.)

5. An 8.2 Earthquake will hit the Southern California affecting the Los Angeles area, the San Onofre nuclear reactor will be the epicenter of a 7.5 aftershock, causing a meltdown very similar to Fukushima. Millions of people will die. The tsunami from the quake will cause a wave so big it envelops LA, hitting the Hollywood Hills. The worst destruction Los Angeles has ever seen, madness will ensue and riots will once again take over the streets of the city of angels.

6. The rogue planet CFBDSIR2149 will inch closer and closer to earth. Zachariah Sitchin's body will rotate in it's grave as the gravity of CFBDSIR2149's interacts with Earth's energy field. Energists and Gravitists will disagree on this until the Anunnaki return.

7. Pope Benedict will admit that he is a Nazi and that he is still in contact with Adolf Hitler who was picked up by an alien spaceship in Argentina after WWII.  It will also be revealed that December 21st, 2012 was to be the date that Hitler had planned on returning to Earth in the form of Jesus Christ but was intercepted by the Iron Dome and thus killed. It will later be argued that he only wrote this to sell books.

8. A superstar athlete from the NBA, NFL or MLB will come out of the closet. It will be major headlines for a few days then the overwhelming amount of advertising opportunities will open up for said athlete, raising the question of legitimacy of the athlete's homosexuality...until the sex tape is released.

9. Mic Jagger will die on stage during a concert in Buffalo, New York. RIP Mic.
10. No longer able to protect citizens from the drug cartels, and after the 100,000th death in the Mexican-American Drug War; Mexico will ask for protection from the United States or a unilateral legalization of all drugs. After the US declines, Mexico asks to become the 51st state of the United States of America.  Once again, the United States declines politely and continues to sweep the massive amount of deaths under the rug.  CNN continues to cover stories on Lindsay Lohan while this debacle takes place.

11.  Israel will Bomb an Iranian nuclear power development site, Iran will counter by lobbing missiles back at Israel that are intercepted by the Iron Dome.  The US will drop five nukes on Iran, starting World War III.

12. After a pre-school shooting, the military will be granted power by congress to go into homes of US citizens and detain all guns.  People hand their guns over in record number to avoid conflict, still there are plenty who do not.  The military starts invading homes and murdering people who will not give up their guns. Civil War breaks out in the streets of America.

13. The United States will officially declare the hacktivist group Anonymous as terrorists.  Anytime anyone leaves an 'anonymous' comment on the internet they become subject to 24 hour drone surveillance and upon a second infringement, a full fledged drone attack...even on US soil.

Happy New Year!  Looks like 2013 is going to be an amazing year!!