Monday, April 30, 2012

The apocalypse at 50...episodes.

Holy f#$% it's been one hell of a ride.   A year ago I never thought I'd be writing about the 50th episode this soon.

So what have I learned about the apocalypse?  Well, nothing.
Okay, everything and nothing at once.  In a way, whether I accepted it or not, I've been studying the apocalypse my entire life.  I've always tried to see the depths of humanity, the depravity that exists within us. The only thing I'm missing is a near death experience to see 'IT'. (god knows I've done enough drugs)  I'm simply too scared or too lucky, I don't know.  I've got a strange desire for things to end so that I can stop being civilized and run around in the street like a savage, murdering for food and water. Call me crazy, call me what you will.  I've read all the ancient prophesies (What you know about Manley P. Hall?) and watched and listened to every bit of media with any kind of apocalyptic news.  50 Episodes in which I have not made a penny? Okay, (to be completely honest, my Google Adsense earnings are up to $2.11) WTF is wrong with me? The apocalypse is not real...our brains are constantly shaping and forming this 'reality'.  We are driving a ship that we don't even know exists. We are N.O.A.H., with all the information on board, floating without a hope, in a sea of nothing.

This has happened before.  My name is NEO.

DARPA's advancements in robot technology have been frightening to say the least, along with drone technology and the our government's willingness to strip us of our civil liberties right in front of our eyes. It used to mean something when CBS News reported a story, now they're just simply cashing checks. Nobody gives a f#$%.  (Except maybe Ron Paul...or is he a Neo-Nazi?!?)  It all points toward a path that has been laid out for us for so long. (and so many times!?!)  The New World Order is upon us (the Reptilian Overlords are finally having their way), it's only a matter of time.  In reality, I am completely clueless as to what is going to happen.  I can read every book, talk to every person, but what is beyond the veil is beyond our possible knowledge.  We are feeble and foolish.  We know nothing.

I know nothing of the apocalypse because all the data I have is flawed.  I must turn to the people.

We started this journey with three dudes in a room talking into microphones.  David Duarte and Nick Kalil were there to brave the face of the apocalypse with me.

David Duarte set the tone for full blown racism when he shared in the very first episode his fear of an apocalypse in which there is an Armenian takeover of North Hollywood in which a dance-off will happen with Armenian's clad in Puma jumpsuits. Have you ever heard of The Armenoids?                         

Justin Montello, our first guest denied the true reality of Jesus in the same episode in which Nick Kalil confessed that he was the single fish that Jesus multiplied and fed the starving people (and I thought I had a big ego) along with that loaf of bread.  Things were really starting to move as the apocalypse approached.

Entrepreneur / sound man Vladimir Suksdikov is the show's sponsor with his various companies ranging from a bridal shop and vodka soaked tampons to a party cruise line and an anal bleach party. Vlad shared his own personal apocalypse... when the Berlin wall fell down. He wasn't on either side, he was living on top of it.  We do miss Vlad, having him in the studio seemed to throttle David Duarte a bit, which in turn allowed our guests to get a word or two in every once in a while.

aPODcalyptic Times got gangsta by unlatching all deadbolts and allowing rappers into the studio.  We live dangerously,  Right? The Concrete Saints killed it! Who knew performers are good on podcasts as well? When Bacardi Riam professed that his apocalypse was the crazy intensity in which people follow Dancing With the Stars and how Hall of Fame Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward got arrested for DUI in Los Angeles after 'dancing'.  I don't know why this shook Bacardi up so much, he's usually so cool calm and collected.  Knosense also saw reality television as the apocalypse. The progression of unintelligent people being sacrificed to the world to achieve a cheap level of fame.  Disgusting really. Then upon their return, Knosense dropped so many n-bombs Ustream took us down and he told of a story of an old dirty Chinese man sniffin' his drawers. You can watch the madness on Ustream here.

Sean O'Reilly-Jones graced us with his presence and declared the apocalypse to be the very podcast in which he was a part of.  Let it be known that this was a false prophecy, as nothing ended, except the show...hmmm.

Carlos Javier Castillo dropped by the spot to tell us that the apocalypse already happened.  "There is no apocalypse." He said, and then went to sleep.  #actor

Jessica Ruoti is a sound tech.  Vlad replaced himself by hiring her as an intern and paying her nothing. The poor girl suffered the strange and dreaded viewing of his Vlad tip.  She told us this indeed was her apocalypse.  Vlad was wearing really short white shorts and it just slipped out with a ton of curly Ruski hair.  You gotta know Vlad rocks it commando.  We couldn't tell what was up with Ruoti as she got all Long Island on us. I can never tell when people get all 'East Coast' if they're horny or mad?
In her return as a guest, after moving onto bigger and better things, she told of a squirrel-pocalypse that didn't then and never will make sense.  After rapey-laughing happened for way too long, there was a Hitler cameo in which 'something maybe involving squirrels' became her apocalypse.  Don't let those big fluffy tails fool you!

Jamie Zee brought the show to a whole new level.  For one, he was funny and the rest of the idiots on the show are not.  Secondly, he has tattoos.  Personally, I'm afraid of ink, I only use pencils when jamming things into my blood stream (well that or heroin). Jamie isn't afraid of the world ending, it's all in the evolutionary plan.  He is certain that human evolution has not peaked physically and that we are still evolving, humans will grow another finger, eye or arm as the next wave of evolution and change things as we currently know them.  #dieantwoord

John Derby came to aPODcalyptic and fit like a fishing line in my asshole. His explanation of the end involves aliens, he thought they'd 'juice us for our minerals' saving a 'couple' of the best people after 'juicing' the rest.  Humans are simply reality TV for the aliens to watch (remarkably similar to South Park...hmmm...John Derby a hack?!?) Then on his next visit, he provided indica to the host instead of sativa, and I had to tear him a new asshole and explain why I am an old man that just can't smoke indica from bongs anymore.  Consider yourself warned Derby, never again. NEVER AGAIN!!  The alien apocalypse theory would come up often after this and Derby secretly pats himself on the back every time it happens. Stay tuned for Derby Deeds Done Dirt Cheap - Coming Soon!

Maritza Soria broke the guest gender line at aPODcalyptic Times by having a vagina or in her case a pastrami without rye.  In a hundred years she'll be the Jackie Robinson of apocalypse podcasting.  In her vision of the apocalypse, women will become ultrafeminists to the point that they stop having sex with men. (Thank God, more dry hand for me)  From this, a horrible allergic reaction to semen will come about and nothing, not artificial insemination nor rape nor androids will be able to create life as we once knew it.  Women will die peacefully spooning with each other until their demise.  When she came back she said this same thing in Spanish, and now her mother knows how disgusting and depraved her daughter is.  Lo siento.

Trevor Penick doesn't give a shit about the apocalypse. He just does not care, it doesn't matter he said, "I don't want to think about it.  It doesn't affect my day to day life.  It's the end it's the end, there's nothing I can do about it."  Then he said something about being too busy RAPING BITCHES to care.
Who knew a dude from a boy band (O-Town) could be so bad ass?

According to Gabriella Francis, America will go into so much debt that God will repossess it.  Is God China? And she responded that China will come looking for their money by turning ALL restaurants into Chinese Restaurants.  Global Warming is concerning, if we don't change, we may drown by our own trash. Gabriella expressed the fact that she tries to live in the moment more than worrying about the future and what that may bring.  She will not be planning weddings or real estate purchases until after 2012 to be sure.  Smart girl, knows all about strap ons.

Irving Green believes that the end of the world probably has something to do with Lady Gaga. Evil bitch. She has been sent from an evil dimension to slowly descend the world into her darkness and chaos.  "Born this way means you'll die this way.  Her male alter ego  will combine with Gaga to take over the world as we know it."  He didn't let it bring him down too much as he killed it this year by booking a gig on Mad Men, maybe the best show in the past ten years.  Don't let Gaga bring you down.

Kimberly Condict told us stories of her first three lovers, we were enthralled and captivated by Rusty first and foremost and then those other two dudes she told us about but I don't remember their names. A great moment in the apocalypse happened in Kimberly's episode when Duarte dropped THE story.  It was epic.  He shit his pants on his 32nd birthday.  I teared up a little and I might have pissed myself just a tad, 'twas a good story.  My favorite part is after he told it, when Kimberly confesses, "do you guys wanna know the difference between men and women, is that if that story ever happened to a girl, say it was Andrea and me, one we would never speak of that night again..." Listen to it here it truly is EPIC, skip ahead to the 10 minute mark to get the whole conversation.  Really one of the highlights of the show so far.  Her apocalypse, relating to the film she wrote, The Day After Tomorrow, natural disasters...i.e. earthquakes, tornados and hurricanes will lead to the END, then a post apocalyptic environment like in Cormac McCarthy's The Road.  I too have to explain everything in terms of movies.
We are living in The Matrix.

Adrienne Hunter could not decide between zombie apocalypse and a natural disaster world crumbling scenario, but also had room to consider aliens as the invading doomsday scenario.  Upon further discussion, she cut out the zombie apocalypse scenario as it is scientifically less feasible than the others...except for alien invasion, or is it?  Will the aliens come to invade?  Will they hand out rainbows or destroy us?  She never really decided...but it is imminent nonetheless.

Joshua Dempster, despite the fact that he thought the Mayan calendar ended in 'March or May',  believes that the Mayans disappeared and will return on that day to invade the planet.  Perhaps they will come out of the caves?  Maybe they left on a spaceship and are going to rape the Spanish to revenge the massacre at the hands of the conquistadors and their big curly mustaches.  It might also be tied to Bill Buckner somehow.  F#$% YOU Mookie Wilson!

After travelling to the Middle East to perform stand up comedy, Maria Shehata stopped by the studio and shared her vision of the end of the world.  The Occupy movement and a heightening in collective consciousness around the world will lead to vibrations and frequencies reverberating in a positive energy shift that will lead to plates, poles and minds shifting and harmonizing as one with the earth.  The earth will open up and swallow up the assholes and douche-bags, leaving the Earth a better place for you and me.  World Peace (not Ron Artest) will be a conscious decision by all those who survive the natural disasters.

Michael Boucher sees an apocalypse that will be started by crazy religious people. Escalating hatred and advanced technology will allow opposing forces to continue building bigger and better bombs to blow each other up.  The more you keep someone down, the more apt they are to use it.  This has been happening throughout time, why would it stop now?  Jesus V Mohammed...

Beth Dover had an apocalypse dream with Father Guido Sarducci, he was Beth's savior at the end of the world.  Guido turned bad and Beth was stuck with him for better or worse. (I must admit that I've also had dreams of Father Guido Sarducci...delivering the bada boom bada bing to Cramsey!!!)

Val Hurt hopes for a good old fashioned rapture where all the preachy goody good people get taken from the earth and leave the world alone for a good time.  We'll save "Lots of paper on hotel Bibles."  Maybe my favorite version of the apocalypse yet, in fact it has shaped my vision to mix this with an alien theory in which aliens come down to earth dressed as Jesus and take away all those willing to follow.  Thus saving the Earth of the plague that now corrodes it.

Jesse Vilinsky thinks everyone will just stop.  Suddenly, everyone just stops.  Taking it back to Noetic science, mind power and collective thought will lead to this all powerful moment.  Every single conscious being on Earth will decide to end the current charade of life at the exact moment in time and shift reality as we know it.  Could this be possible?  Could we possibly a little fire raining down from the sky for effect?  Please?

Dave Fein's apocalypse might have happened months after the show when Jeremy Lin took New York by storm, but as for the show, it was a mixture of things.  Humans will evolve to the point where we re-fabricate all the crazy disasters we've fictionally created so long ago via Sci-fi and TV, we will create our own realities to the point that we create our own demise without knowing it.  Until it's too late!!  Zombies, androids, asteroids, Michael Bay films, aliens and crazy demon shit!  As much as we can imagine, all at once and pure madness!

On November 23rd, 2011, the greatest podcast that ever was...was not recorded.
Then in the attempt to re-create the greatest podcast never recorded, Kim Coates told of her self proclaimed 'anticlimactic' and extremely logical version of the apocalypse in which overpopulation and a lack of resources leads to problems along with global warming culminating in environmental disasters and the eventual end of the human race. Then, Gareth Dutton told of the Reptilian overlords that will take over the world and enslave the human species.  Coates tied it all together with the reality that Reptilian overlords would do very well on a post apocalyptic Earth that had dwindling human resources and lots of swampy undrinkable water.

Dana Wilson decided that the apocalypse is not anything she thinks about or would obsess about like some people...nor do many women really think about the apocalypse all the time.  Men have been stockpiling weapons for centuries and planning their own destruction subconsciously (if nothing else). Dana believes it will be caused by something beyond Earth.  An asteroid, black hole or something beyond our own planet and out into the universe. Another vote for a matriarchy to save humanity.

Darren Peters, with possibly the most disappointing appearance in podcast history...(Darren done did it again!) tries to convince the panel of an ill fated fat-pocalypse because he is an asshole that hates fat people.  In fact he hates them so much that they are literally the end of his world.  But not like Wall-E ( those fat people are cute) he cites obesity causing the blockage of doorways and eating up all the resources.

Robert McHallfey's version was that it won't end until we've moved onto the moon where we have front row seats of the Earth's demise.   Humans will terraform the moon and create an atmosphere so that food can be grown and we can survive (if you're rich enough).  From there, we will watch as poor humans along with Earth die off as the rich board a Star Trek like ship that will journey into the vast reaches of space (in search of Kobol), but life in some form will continue to evolve.  People want an apocalypse so bad because their lives suck and they are just hoping for answers.  It's not that simple we're going to be around for a long time.

Curtis Casey's apocalypse starts inside the mind. We have revelations and epiphanies and pass them onto each other, Highlander style, unlocking higher and higher levels in the mind.  This might also somehow be tied into an inter-dimensional video game realm in which we are either androids or computer programs.  A time and place where our consciousness is powerful enough to create different dimensions and realities inside the same space.  We are the creators, we are in control, we have been all along.  Welcome to the Matrix.

JJ Dunlap, aka Tortsov, is hoping that the apocalypse is a cyber-zombie sort of thing that comes to Earth from space.  Not quite Terminator style, but still bio-cyborgs and reanimated robots spawning from a nether-verse of intelligence that controls the cyber zombies and sends them to Earth to take over.   Deep shit. THC inspired I'm sure.  Love it.

Vanessa Sew Gay's period is going to take shit over.  Bleeding vaginas PERIOD. If the moon cycles link and EVERY LAST woman synchronizes and bleeds at the same time, it will take over and crush the paternalistic world we currently know.  The return of the matriarchy from the pre-Christian world of the pagans and a bloody massacre of all the men followed by massive amounts of scissoring as the sun rises over the horizon.  Stonehenge?  (I will either be the first to die or the first to be spared.  I don't know.)

Robert Turo gets asked this question daily, but despite the several answers he has and could give here, all that is really important or certain is that AC DC's Highway to Hell

will be blaring world wide. Then he started talking about Metalocalypse and two Puerto Rican's, a Guatemalan and three Mexicans making Italian food.

When the LIVE show happened on January 24th, 2012, I decided to tease the gods of the apocalypse and it very nearly ended the world as we know it.  Vodka soaked tampons introduced into a friendly bar environment is sketchy at best.  The remnants of tampons lie everywhere at the Universal Bar and Grill in Universal City and everyone was a drunken mess.  I know now that I should have gone with the food coloring for that extra little disgusting effect. The beautiful  Kelly Ann had a hard time explaining to the cleaning crew exactly what had happened that night (could you imagine the effect of the food coloring?).  The only hope to get a sense is to watch this.  Technically it was a disaster, but I love testing the waters of madness to be sure that I am still alive.  To be sure that I am STILL a failure.  Expect another live show this summer before the apocalypse party to end all apocalypse parties on December 20th, 2012,  Keep posted to for more information in the future...and the END.

Dajuan Johnson doesn't think the apocalypse is going to happen in 2012.  The Mayan Calendar and Y2K are hoaxes engineered by the powers that be to get people to be 'good'.  Earthquakes, hurricanes, long term global warming, i.e. el nino la nina, little things leading up to a bigger and bigger problem overall that will eventually topple humanity as we know it.  Little did he know then that his own apocalypse would be sooner than later and he would end up on TMZ, GMA, CNN, etc...

Andrea Chesley got booed by John Derby after she revealed that she hopes that the world ends on 12/21/2012.  Then she went on to explain that she wants disaster in order for human perspective and humility to form.  Only from some sort of natural disaster can people bridge the gap on inequality and truly understand one another.  But, she really thinks that it won't end and that we will have to deal with all the problems and garbage that we have created in our short time ruling the Earth.

Desmond Faison envisions a good old fashioned rapture. Christ will return and take all the Christians with him.  But, if Tim Tebow is the greatest college football player of all time...

Mikey McKernan and the three Libras united to battle the evil David Duarte. McKernan fears 'The Weapon to be sure.  Whatever form it comes in when man creates 'IT' to destroy humanity and possibly the Earth along with.  If not the weapon, then likely the alien apocalypse, in this scenario, the aliens might come help us as we are running low on if they were our friends.

Darren Peters returns and still hates fat people, and has new hopes to rape a fat person.

Michael Boucher modified his own religious people ending the world to just simply stupid people ending the world. Well played Bouchay.

Rachael Roland is in constant fear of Gorillas and somehow thinks that they will bring about the apocalypse although she cannot verbalize exactly how. This is all great unless you want her to say the apocalypse 'that she is supposed to say'... Apparently this is what happens when you have a preacher for a father.

Upon her return, Kimberly Condict found herself with a new epiphany about the apocalypse.  Weather related events have recently been going nuts i.e. tornadoes in Dallas and 'it's chilly in LA', next, people who shouldn't be in serious relationships are getting into serious relationships and finally, lifelong drinkers giving up the booze.  Her new revelation of the world, is that it is obviously coming to an END and SOON!

Sarah Mello believed that we humans will destroy ourselves because we cannot help it and although Stacy Lafay wants a zombie apocalypse (so she can murder some mother#$%^ing zombies in the street!) she thinks that a much more peaceful mental evolution will happen in which the enlightened world will simply turn the next page and move on with itself...without zombies to kill.

Victor Montoya doesn't know how the world will end, and honestly it doesn't matter because he is going to be too f$%^ed up to know the difference!

Joel Spencer has a vision of Jesus returning to earth.  Only in his vision, when Jesus returns, he will be wearing Death Ray Sun Glasses. If Jesus happens to peer upon your flesh, you will ignite in flames and be eradicated from the earth.  Have you been saved or are you burning in hell?  It is 100% up for debate.  Although I didn't pay him to speak. #laborer  These 'glasses' might possibly be the Google Glass project.

Google is Skynet.



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